finals epiphany, fall 08.

i'm from the suburbs and if you've ever seen the opening credits to the show Weeds, you should know that shit is genius. Neighbors mow their lawns, get their coffee, and go to work crisp, clean, and synchronized perfectly framing the dreadful monotony of suburbia. by season 3 or something they add a spin by changing the theme song every episode to different genres of music (jazz, classical, latin, reggae) to imply that perhaps there is something different (and there is, duh! its what the entire show is about). fucking genius i tell you!

well, san leandro wasn't exactly on the same level as the neighborhood in weeds, but all suburbs harness this idealization of the American dream -- safety, nuclear families, station wagons, children, dogs. you get the picture. 

and even though i grew up there, i was always aware that i lived in an unconventional household on the outside of the white-picket fence lifestyle. this created this huge contradiction for me. by unconventional household, its more than my single parent household, what i'm referring to is the exchange of ideas happening in our home. even from elementary school, every idea i brought home was constantly challenged. i guess in a way i grew up trained to question "the norm."i remember there was a time when i really wanted those glow in the dark block things you always saw on infomercials and i'd beg my mom for them every single day until one day i was bombarded with questions from my sister, mom, and brother. "why do you want those? is it because it seems like everyone has them? if you don't get them, does that change who you are? would your friends see you differently? will you be happier with them than you would without them?" i was then told if i had an answer to these questions, then my mom would be happy to buy the blocks for me. i was six years old, i never said a word about those blocks again -- but it taught me to ask why. 

this reminds me of a conversation i had with my brother when i started high school. his point was that getting an A, at least in an area like ours where the public school system SUCKS, was all about how well you could parrot off your teacher's answers. it was rarely based on any critical thinking, in fact most teachers got annoyed if you questioned them. 

the failure of our public education system is that 99% of classes teach kids what to think, not how to think. 

but i'm guilty of falling into this trap. i was an overachiever in high school.. doing what it took for a good grade so i could graduate on the honor roll and go to a good university. it meant i was successful right? i memorized everything from the periodic table of elements to the preamble of the bill of rights so i could ace that test, none of which i can remember now. 

like i said, this kind of thinking created a big contradiction in me. here i am at this prestigious university, totally unmotivated to cram for my cog sci final tomorrow. i mean, i have the concepts. i can tell you what mu rhythms and mirror neurons have to do with autistic children, i just need to memorize what proteins connect to what receptor to reach action potential or some shit. i'll admit i don't have the best transcript and tonight i finally realized its not cuz i'm lazy or too dumb for this school. its because i'm unwilling to pretend i learned shit just to get the grade. its because i know that whatever my transcript looks like after four years in this place, it is not a reflection of how intelligent i am, nor will it foreshadow how successful i'll be. so in conclusion, fuck you cog sci final. i'm going to do research on immigration policies instead and analyze which one would work best in the united states. sucka!