november again.

I can't remember what it felt like when November ended without the weight it carries now. it burns the same way it used to. and sometimes everything is as real as the moment it happened. and i can feel us being forced to grow up just a little bit faster after that announcement over the intercom.. when it didn't matter if you were a prep, a jock, or one of those guys at the end of c-hall because we all felt it the same. I keep telling myself that maybe this year it wouldn't happen that way, that it'll be easier... and really, in the larger scheme of things, it is, but there are still those moments where I can remember everything so clearly, and its always when i least expect it.  

last year it happened the night of his birthday. i was sitting in my room in geneva hall writing a paper when a stream of images flashed through my head:my seat in chemistry. the walk down the hallway. standing silently in the quad. everyone by burger king [each image getting more detailed as they progressed]. hesperian blvd. the little table infront of his house. all the shoes in the doorway. his soft spoken father. the sound of his mother's sobs from upstairs. the christmas tree in the corner they kept all year round [by this point i lose all composure and melt, in tears, to the floor of my dorm room alone, but i continue to allow myself to remember]. the viewing. his casket. nate's speech. his sisters and the the brother that looked just like him. the smell of the room. the lump in my throat and that hollow part inside of me i was suddenly very aware of. that monday. the wreaths. his mom [this one replays again, and again, and again]. the sun at the end of it all. the walk back in the heels that hurt too much. lunch at mc donalds like we used to do. just the crew, like it used to be. the fever. the release.  

there are certain events in each of our lives that help shape us into the person we are today. sometimes they are not easy to admit to. sometimes we'd rather forget. sometimes they help us measure how we've grown. and sometimes they teach us, year after year, about everything we have to be thankful for.