Christmas Is For Family

Some people say you can't choose your family...

those people have never been 

to the Almendral-Nemenzo-Ver household

did you know there are two different paths that are able to give your brain the signal to smile? smiling for a picture comes from a different place then smiling when you genuinely are happy. i think tonight i'm smiling from the genuine place.

happy holidays everyone!

its 4am

i miss europe

a lot.

that is all. 

tuesday

san francisco for christmas shopping with cecilia. san mateo to drive my mom to dinner. fremont for keith's surprise 21st birthday dinner. then santa cruz to watch tv with sharon and make video posts on facebook for our friends. haha. 

sixteen.

its winterbreak and i have more time on my hands than i know what to do with. today, i spent some time going through my unpublished posts. some of them were purposely unpublished, but some of them i never finished like this 16 facts one. i got tagged on facebook for it over the summer, but i try to avoid writing facebook notes because of the stalkerfeed. so enjoy! (this means you daniel luu! haha jk)

1. my family was going to call me Alexa instead of Maia when I was born. 
2. my brother, sister, and i were all born on the first of the month. (april, january, and february) AND i have a half sister and cousin with the same birthday as me. 
3. as of december 2008, my writing has been published :)
4. i've been to 9 countries (as in actually traveled them, not just stopovers) and its not enough yet!
5. i've shaken hands with two former presidents. One was Clinton when my mom and I waited for hours outside of his book signing on Telegraph in Berkeley. He's really pink. The second one was Corazon Aquino, the first female president of the Philippines. It was a monumentous moment for be because at the time (6th grade) she was my hero. haha
6. i used to sing... in sophomore year of high school i won first place in the district solo competition for classical voice.. and i was part of the 4 person ensemble that sang the national anthem at graduation. 
7. i HAVE to spin my plate before i start eating. i have no idea why, its pretty OCD of me. 
8. for the past three weeks i've only been using spoons to eat, no forks. again, i don't know why. 
9. i eat really ridiculously slow because my family does... i feel like i'm starting to sound like a fat kid with all these facts about eating habits. 
10. as i get older i get more and more annoyed with running late for things. i'm definitely in the wrong ethnicity for a pet peeve like this one since filipinos are always late.
11. 95% of the time i knock out immediately when my head hits the pillow.. and i don't move at all when i sleep most times.. and i recently found out that i snore!  ahhhh. (sorry dan. haha) 
12. a lot of details about my family's life has been shared in my mom's monthly column, then eventually as an entire chapter in her book. its weird cuz when i'm at book/magazine events with my mom, she'll introduce me as her youngest daughter and people will respond "oh are you Maia? i raised my kids on the beatles too" or other random facts like that. 
13. i used to spend almost every thanksgiving in Eugene, Oregon with my (ex) step-dad's parents. 
14. i went through a stage in like 5th grade where i didn't think blonde people really existed. haha. but now i live in la jolla and i know they really do. 
15. i'm really, really sentimental especially when it comes to my friends. i remember little details really well and most of the time i write about them in my diary. haha
16. a lot of times i'm a wimp when it comes to my career plans. when people ask me "oh, what do you want to do with urban studies and planning?" i tend to give them whatever answer i think they want to hear (i.e. policy planning, architecture, etc.) but i'm slowly getting over that weird fear. what i really want to do is work with an NGO or the united nations on their millennium development goals, especially in the education sector. 

finals epiphany, fall 08.

i'm from the suburbs and if you've ever seen the opening credits to the show Weeds, you should know that shit is genius. Neighbors mow their lawns, get their coffee, and go to work crisp, clean, and synchronized perfectly framing the dreadful monotony of suburbia. by season 3 or something they add a spin by changing the theme song every episode to different genres of music (jazz, classical, latin, reggae) to imply that perhaps there is something different (and there is, duh! its what the entire show is about). fucking genius i tell you!

well, san leandro wasn't exactly on the same level as the neighborhood in weeds, but all suburbs harness this idealization of the American dream -- safety, nuclear families, station wagons, children, dogs. you get the picture. 

and even though i grew up there, i was always aware that i lived in an unconventional household on the outside of the white-picket fence lifestyle. this created this huge contradiction for me. by unconventional household, its more than my single parent household, what i'm referring to is the exchange of ideas happening in our home. even from elementary school, every idea i brought home was constantly challenged. i guess in a way i grew up trained to question "the norm."i remember there was a time when i really wanted those glow in the dark block things you always saw on infomercials and i'd beg my mom for them every single day until one day i was bombarded with questions from my sister, mom, and brother. "why do you want those? is it because it seems like everyone has them? if you don't get them, does that change who you are? would your friends see you differently? will you be happier with them than you would without them?" i was then told if i had an answer to these questions, then my mom would be happy to buy the blocks for me. i was six years old, i never said a word about those blocks again -- but it taught me to ask why. 

this reminds me of a conversation i had with my brother when i started high school. his point was that getting an A, at least in an area like ours where the public school system SUCKS, was all about how well you could parrot off your teacher's answers. it was rarely based on any critical thinking, in fact most teachers got annoyed if you questioned them. 

the failure of our public education system is that 99% of classes teach kids what to think, not how to think. 

but i'm guilty of falling into this trap. i was an overachiever in high school.. doing what it took for a good grade so i could graduate on the honor roll and go to a good university. it meant i was successful right? i memorized everything from the periodic table of elements to the preamble of the bill of rights so i could ace that test, none of which i can remember now. 

like i said, this kind of thinking created a big contradiction in me. here i am at this prestigious university, totally unmotivated to cram for my cog sci final tomorrow. i mean, i have the concepts. i can tell you what mu rhythms and mirror neurons have to do with autistic children, i just need to memorize what proteins connect to what receptor to reach action potential or some shit. i'll admit i don't have the best transcript and tonight i finally realized its not cuz i'm lazy or too dumb for this school. its because i'm unwilling to pretend i learned shit just to get the grade. its because i know that whatever my transcript looks like after four years in this place, it is not a reflection of how intelligent i am, nor will it foreshadow how successful i'll be. so in conclusion, fuck you cog sci final. i'm going to do research on immigration policies instead and analyze which one would work best in the united states. sucka!

Never Will I Ever

NEVER WILL I EVER TAKE 3 CLASSES AGAIN! especially if i'm taking only two for a grade. i most definitely should have known better. i can only work under pressure, otherwise i don't work at all. this quarter was so easy that i just got lazy and now i'm doing badly. UGH! i suck at school and at times like this i wonder wtf i'm doing here in the first place!

but not really. 

either stand tall or just sit the fuck down

- "double trouble" the roots ft. mos def

currently on repeat: Things Fall Apart by The Roots. 

soooo sick. i've been reading the lyrics like they were poetry.

i haven't heard a record this good since like.... the miseducation. haha

really though. its beautiful, listen now!

Can somebody please....

... tell me how a walmart worker could be trampled to death by greedy shoppers on black friday. wtf is wrong with people? And i'm willing to bet that when the morning newspapers came there were more people who looked to see which stores had the best sales than read about the attacks in mumbai. 

ignorance is bliss!

no no no no!

we went to an indie club in the city last night and almost didn't get in because the guy knew we had been drinking. i tried to pinky promise him that i hadn't, but he just told us "No more drinking for you!" I wonder how he knew......

hahahaha

five random thoughts

1. when i google "maia almendral" the first five pages that come up are: the programs abroad office, kp core, peer counseling, spaces, and my facebook. haha. 
   
2. i've been home since tuesday night. i get to wear jackets, wake up to the sound of rain, and live luxuriously with two-ply toilet paper. life is good!
3. yesterday, after missing the freeway entrance approximately four times, i drove home from the city for the first time in my life. in heels. 
4. i have a nine page research paper due on monday morning. 
5. i asked sharon to change the password to my facebook so that i could stop procrastinating, but of course the first thing i do is write a blog instead. 

november again.

I can't remember what it felt like when November ended without the weight it carries now. it burns the same way it used to. and sometimes everything is as real as the moment it happened. and i can feel us being forced to grow up just a little bit faster after that announcement over the intercom.. when it didn't matter if you were a prep, a jock, or one of those guys at the end of c-hall because we all felt it the same. I keep telling myself that maybe this year it wouldn't happen that way, that it'll be easier... and really, in the larger scheme of things, it is, but there are still those moments where I can remember everything so clearly, and its always when i least expect it.  

last year it happened the night of his birthday. i was sitting in my room in geneva hall writing a paper when a stream of images flashed through my head:my seat in chemistry. the walk down the hallway. standing silently in the quad. everyone by burger king [each image getting more detailed as they progressed]. hesperian blvd. the little table infront of his house. all the shoes in the doorway. his soft spoken father. the sound of his mother's sobs from upstairs. the christmas tree in the corner they kept all year round [by this point i lose all composure and melt, in tears, to the floor of my dorm room alone, but i continue to allow myself to remember]. the viewing. his casket. nate's speech. his sisters and the the brother that looked just like him. the smell of the room. the lump in my throat and that hollow part inside of me i was suddenly very aware of. that monday. the wreaths. his mom [this one replays again, and again, and again]. the sun at the end of it all. the walk back in the heels that hurt too much. lunch at mc donalds like we used to do. just the crew, like it used to be. the fever. the release.  

there are certain events in each of our lives that help shape us into the person we are today. sometimes they are not easy to admit to. sometimes we'd rather forget. sometimes they help us measure how we've grown. and sometimes they teach us, year after year, about everything we have to be thankful for.

“If you want this, we can make it happen.” These words belong to my mother and I have always known them to be true, even before she spoke them last February. They ring in my ear at every crossroad I have met along my journey through life especially in the last few months. I value them more than anything she has ever said to me because of everything she didn’t say. These words carry the weight of our family’s past. Humbling moments that could have easily turned our family into the same statistic it seemed everyone expected to see.

            When we immigrated to California from the Philippines twenty years ago the odds were against us. My mother was a single woman with three young children escaping every comfort she knew to start fresh in a new country. She was either completely out of her mind, or completely driven. Lucky for us it was the latter. 

 A book launch, a research scholarship, three kids in three countries, and uncompromising love and support. Now, as we celebrate our 20th anniversary of coming to America, I couldn't be more proud of my family.

[my sister, bruce lee's son, and me during our first christmas in the States]

night

i feel like my life has been all out of sorts lately because i sleep so early. while i was taking care of the kids i would have to wake up at 7am to get them to school so then by 11pm i'd be fighting to stay awake. those sleeping habits just stuck with me. its probably healthier or something, huh? but i'm a night owl and i always have been so i function way better in the wee hours of the morning when the world is still and my mind is free to wander. 

today sucked, but at least i wasn't alone. 

that's all. but really that's everything, isn't it?

New Do

i need a new haircut. any ideas?

sometimes i think this stuff is getting out of control.

The Chillest Weekend of All Time

And I loved it. 

One of the co-founders of SPACES said something last year that really stuck with me.  I'm pretty sure he willingly dedicated all his spare time and energy to SPACES, but he said he had started to go to the gym as something he did that was completely for himself because it only benefitted him and "you can't lift weights for the world". Amen to that... referring to doing something for yourself, not for the gym because i don't do that. haha! 

In other news, I accidently washed my new black jeans with my white tee's. hooray for everything that was once white turning a light shade of gray! I rock at being domestic. 

Mr. President

I've lived in the United States for almost 20 years and for the first time I can say with confidence that I am proud to be an American. 

It is very easy to be critical of this country. Growing up in the liberal Bay Area with George W. Bush as President for almost half my life, pretty much all I heard were criticisms over his policies and people losing faith in the government all-together. It often made it hard to see why anyone would immigrate to this country in the first place. I had a moment today after I voted that made me want to start singing the national anthem or something. I am an immigrant and my vote counts exactly the same as people who were born here. A lot of people take this right for granted. What they don't realize is that in many other countries immigrants are not granted the same voice. 

Most of all, I used my vote to support a candidate who absolutely inspires me to continue to dare to dream for a better tomorrow. 

As for prop 8: the ballots are still being counted and its not looking too good. All I have to say is that, well, as disappointing as it is, progress takes time. 

Just some random thoughts

TONIGHT WILL MAKE HISTORY.

I'm beside myself in anticipation for the election results... like i seriously cannot concentrate on anything else besides the news.

I'm really proud of my roommates for making themselves apart of this election.

Today as i tried to write my take home midterm (due tomorrow. yay!) i discovered the hard way that Benadryl makes you drowsy = FML big time. 

Win or lose, I am an Obama supporter. This country needs someone who dares to dream so "radically" and who understands the needs of the middle class...... but i hope he wins. haha

"Those Who Cannot Learn History Are Doomed To Repeat It"

The arguments for prop 8 make me sick and in doing my research for nov. 4th i am so overcome with frustration over this single issue. i can't even turn on the radio or watch tv without a commercial on prop 8. i'm probably only perpetuating this frustration even further by writing this, but its clear that in California the big issue is not over which presidential candidate will win the election. After all, California is a famously democratic state (knock on wood). Rather, the big debate is over the issue of gay marriages. 

Denying rights to any group based on gender, creed, race, or sexuality is unconstitutional. How can we be a land "with liberty and justice for all" if not everyone is granted equal rights. Think about it. We've been in this position before, you've heard it year after year since you were in first grade. What most people forget about history is the fact that its taught to us so that we don't repeat the same mistakes, but think about what's happening today. Its the 21st century and we're still marginalizing groups of people who go against the "norm," whatever that is.. 

I mean, lets take a look at some obvious cases throughout history where groups have been marginalized:

1. The Pilgrims faced religious persecution in England and founded this land so that they would have freedom. 

2. What did Susan B. Anthony fight for? Equal recognition for women to be apart of the democratic system. 

3. Let me bring this a little closer to home. Anti-miscegenation laws existed until the late 1800s to prohibit people of color (yes, including Filipinos) from marrying white people because they believed colored people to be beneath them, unworthy of equal rights. (Mmmhmm, that means if this act had not been deemed unconstitutional, there is no way John & Kate would have ever even had their 8 that we are all addicted to because they would never have been allowed to be together anyway.) So until fairly recently, colored people like me (and maybe you) were denied the right to marry freely. How is that any different than denying people rights based on their sexuality?

The struggle of underrepresented communities is a reoccurring theme in the history of the United States, but our ability to overcome them has always been a source of pride for this Nation. If Prop 8 passes, it will only be an example of how we have failed to learn from our mistakes of the past. Despite what political propaganda is littering mass media today, I do not believe that Prop 8 has anything to do with religion, education, children, or whatever else they are saying. I'm voting NO on Proposition 8 because I believe this country is SUPPOSED to stand for justice, freedom, and equality for all.

On Appreciation

This is my day in list form because i'm too tired to construct full sentences:

• 7am: wake up = five hours of sleep
• 8:15: took kids to school. more of a rush then usual.
• 9am: the beginning of my 12 hour work day
• 2pm: break to pick up kids from school
• 3pm: take tita marilou grocery shopping + mc donalds + dealing with my nephew's tantrums
• 4pm: come back to campus, eat three cold, stale french fries (the only food i ate for the day)
• 5pm: Go to the beginning of kp core practicum
• 5:30-7:30 (one hour more than asked. the fools. ): Global seminars info session 
  
• 7:30 haul ass to PC because i'm half an hour late for my meeting
• 7:38-9:30: core board
• 9:30: a reminder of why i do it <3

sometimes i get too caught up in everything to stop and show how much i appreciate the people around me. note to self: this most definitely needs to be fixed.

two in a day!

because procrastination is my favorite.

this morning, on the way to school i was listening to some sd talk radio and kanye west was the special guest of the week. they were talking to him about love lockdown and how its not like any other songs out right now. he explained that he does goes in whatever direction his creative energies lead him. then he said something that really stuck with me all day. we're born with all this creativity and self esteem running through us naturally, which society does its best to take away from us and then we spend the rest of our lives trying to buy back that self esteem. 

i feel like mary poppins

i'm taking care of my niece and nephew for the next few weeks. they're bathed, fed, happy, and asleep for the night so i finally had time to take a shower and start thinking about the paper proposal that's due tomorrow morning. how do mom's do it? the kids have already decided that my life as a college student is boring. "homework on the weekends? staying up past eleven to write a paper? the paper isn't about your summer vacation? you don't have slides and swings at your school? you don't get a carnival on halloween? you at least get to wear a costume, right?" they also decided that after they graduate high school they're just going to start over in preschool again. if only it were that easy.

Why I Love Danikka

Upon leaving Yardhouse on friday night after her first public drinking experience in America as a 21 year old, Danikka begins talking (really loudly) to a 65 year old man in the elevator

Danikka: HI EVERYBODY!

(everyone in the elevator smiles awkwardly)

Me: Its her 21st birthday

Danikka: AND I'M DRRRRRUNK.

Old Man: I can see that. Well, happy birthday young lady

Danikka: THANKS. WE'RE FRIENDS NOW. YOU'RE MY FRIEND.

hahahhahahaha i'm smiling as i write this in the library. happy birthday again my love <3

Monday, monday

Today I realized that I work 25 hours a week and only go to school 10.

Mondays are my relatively easy days. I finished class at three, people-watched on library walk with Jose for about an hour, then jumped on the bus to UTC. At the mall, Steve found me and offered me a ride home. It was close to 80 degrees out and i was wearing heels so I was pretty freaking thankful. Seeing him again makes me really miss hanging out with those guys + geneva girls and all the good times we had during first year. It also reminds me of how fortunate i've been with the friendships i've made. 

I got home around 5 and had a very productive evening. Let me list it out for you

Accomplishments:

1. Cleaned bathroom countertop 
2. Cleaned toilet
3. Took out trash & recycling
4. Unloaded dishwasher 
5. Cleaned my room
6. Did laundry 
7. Researched plane tickets
8. Craigslisted (still looking for a car)
9. Pin boards
10. Create monthly calendars complete with borders :)
11. filled out voter re-registration forms (Deadline to register to vote in CA is October 20th)

Did not Accomplish:

1. Reading for Cog sci, Poli, or Ethnic Studies = FML!

Post Secret

So true, especially after this weekend in Long Beach for Alex's birthday. Non stop korean barbeque and cadillac margaritas followed by doing serious damage at Irvine Spectrum and me struggling to get through 20 pages of reading. But its hard to feel guilty when it feels so good. ha!

Forgiveness

My father's letters arrived from the Philippines with illegible words sprawled across hallmark cards. he always ended up writing more then he anticipated, obvious because the pages were always out of order. they told of his years in the province as a guerilla fighter - highlights of his life because our time together, or lack thereof, did not allow for stories over the dinner table. his words were always heartbreakingly poetic, Isabella of my dreams, he'd greet me in his salutations. he always used the names that no one called me and when I was younger. that was the most special part. The letters used to come more frequently, as did the phone calls, but those stopped too. funny because when I was little I was always eager to hear from him, this mysterious figure in my life.

"Dad" and its synonyms have always seemed foreign to my tongue. it triggers no sentimental value in my heart. this is not to say that i'm left with some hollowness inside of me. i did not struggle with his absence, instead I was shaped by it. That space in a little girls heart that daddy's are supposed to occupy was never an issue because I was fortunate enough to have a family that played that role for me. I was forced to learn lessons that he never could have taught me. no better, no worse, just different. In that sense, his absence carries the same value to me as my mother's presence, so when asked if I have found it in me to forgive him (the question plaguing my mind as of late), I have no answer. his absence has never been a matter of forgiveness, rather a fact.

*sigh*

Finding a car is just as hard as finding a boyfriend. feel me? probably not cuz everybody has a car. shit.

i miss summer already. i'm totally not in school mode, but i can't afford to let this quarter kick my ass like the last one did. in other news, lupe this friday!! and then *que Warren G* off to LBC for Aleh's birthday. yeeeeee

A Quicky

haha i really don't blog enough. it makes me sad cuz i haven't been in the writing mood since i got to san diego.

anyways, classes just started. i'm already at the library with jonlee because i'm miraculously behind. today in my cog sci class, the TA gave us a quiz and it was seriously a fuck my life kind of moment. i feel like i'm a part time student because i'm only taking three classes. and one of them is only once a week, so it feels like i'm only taking two. i recently started my new job at the programs abroad office and i love it. and it makes me really excited when people talk to me about wanting to go abroad... because everyone should do it. forreal. no excuses! 

i would like to extend my congratulations to cecilia huang for getting the job with EAOP she's been wanting for a long time. job whore. hahaha <3 love you

today is my Tita Telly's birthday. I wish i could show her my appreciation for everything she's done for me. her and my uncle ben have basically been my other set of parents my entire life. i knew their phone number before i even knew my own because i'd call them every saturday morning to hang out. in the past few years alone they've helped me go to europe (the first time), throw my debut, and study abroad. i'm truly blessed to have people like them in my life.

scattered and not very well written, but i must get back to reading. 

Now and Then

i've said it before, but i'll say it again. i'm happier than i've been in what seems like forever. 

Its only now that I'm beginning to realize how close I was to scraping the bottom during the entire second half of spring quarter. Life, or whatever higher being it is that calls the shots around here, decided to put me through an obstacle course and i allowed myself to be defeated by it. i always loved the fact that i could be reflective, but reflection seemed to just dig me into a deeper hole, so i did what felt natural.. i buried myself away and even in the presence of my closest friends, i still felt aloof and disengaged from everything and everyone around me. 

but life always has its way of working things out in the end. i'm thankful for those few months of struggle because it forced me to find that fight inside of me again. i feel that fire inside of me again that drives me towards everything i've ever wanted, and its burning stronger then ever. 

Thank you to the people who saw me even when I thought i was invisible.

wednesday night

i fucking love my roommates and our new apartment.

i love sneaking into the pool without getting caught.

i love that as much as life shapes us, best friends will forever remain my constants.

i love karaoke nights, yogurt, and rice crispy. treats

i love how far i've come since i left san diego in june. 

i have a legit-ass second job now. i moved in to my new home. san diego is beautiful. home finally felt like home again. obama is bomb. i know what i want, and i'm on my way there enjoying every step. 

life is so good right now.

Shoe Connoisseur

To the left is former first lady of the Philippines, Imelda Marcos. Her husband's so, so corrupted dictatorship over the Philippines ended with the People Power Revolution in 1986 and the Marcos' exile from the islands. Even though I find this time period captivating (my parents were both extremely involved in the revolution), this is not a blog about history. Its a blog about indulgences, hence Imelda Marcos, basically the world's biggest shoe-head. 

This chick had close to 2,000 pairs of extravagant shoes while her husband was in office. let me remind you that the Philippines is a third world country, meaning a good number of its people are running around WITHOUT shoes. The scariest part is that last month in Madrid when my older sister and I were talking about how many shoes Imelda Marcos had, we came to a conclusion that she didn't have all that many.

This brings me to my reason for this entry. I have recently realized that  i am addicted to shoes. i left for europe with only three pairs in my suitcase and came back with NINE! how this happened, i just don't understand. i'm supposed to be a starving college student, and the dollar is down. Luckily in Amsterdam (sneaker HEAVEN) my guy classmates would drag me and the other girls away from store windows, so i never picked up any flashy sneakers - as bad as i wanted to. but i'm pretty sure i unconsciously sacrificed meals in Spain to pick up my last couple pairs because, hey, food will only last you a couple hours but think of all the places a pair of shoes can take you. but this guilty pleasure is turning into a horrible habit because i have ishhhhhh to pay off now and i really need to cut it.. well, at least for a little bit.

*sigh* why is everything bad so good? 

In other news, it makes me smile when people complain that i don't blog enough. at least i know a few people read this nonsense. haha

Things I Miss About Amsterdam

in no particular order :)

1. Public Transportation - At times like this when i'm stranded at home and begging my brother to buy me a car for next school year, this is what I miss this the most. You have no idea how good life is when you don't have to drive everywhere. no need to worry about gas, designated drivers, traffic. just walk outside and hop on! san diego really needs to work on a tram/metro system IMMEDIATELY because i am not looking forward to walking to UTC (the mall) just to catch the bus to campus.

2. Bicycles - Not that i biked when i was there. haha. but its sooo cute seeing thousands of bikes everywhere. all the dutch people rode with such skill. they could push their kids around, carry furniture, and even hold hands. 
3. Being Legal - I don't think i really need to expand on this, but it was just very free. expensive, yes. but free nonetheless.

4. my roomie, Marcella - I fucking lucked out getting this girl as a roommate (thank you jonlee for being our mutual friend). she seriously made my trip. everything from our adventures navigating around the city without Papa Jack to just sitting around our dorm room watching sex and the city on our laptops was priceless to me. 

5. i especially miss blowing o's laying on our beds listening to the beatles.
6. The Roof - For five weeks, my classmates and I lived in a building called Funen (yeah, dutch isn't the prettiest language). it was summer vacation, so there were no other students and we pretty much had the entire building to ourselves. During the first week after a long night of beerpong we discovered that the roof had the most SPECTACULAR view. You could see the entire city from there! After awhile, I'd escape up there during sunsets (around 11pm) to write in my journal. it was so serene and so amazing. 

7. Beerpong - We played in the hallway of our apartment every school night for hours during the first half of our trip. haha. The guy on the left and 2 other guys would bring cartloads of cases home from the grocery store every couple of days, and the girl on the left prior to Amsterdam had never played beerpong in her life but was seriously a BOSS at the game. they didn't seem to sell red cups in the Netherlands so we had to play with tiny clear ones. 
8. The Red Room - Always good times in the red room. It was this room at the end of the hallway in our building used to store a vacuum, but for the 5 weeks that i lived there, i only saw the vacuum once. we did everything in there from typical amsterdam-ian activities (ahem, ahem), one on ones, a strange game night when kerri and lana came to visit, and i even locked myself in here to write papers. haha
9. The Waterhole - The most charming little pub in the city, if you ask me. Live music every night, usually 80's cover bands and 6 euro pints of beer. I was here at least twice a week with my classmates for happy hour. In the Netherlands, you have to pay 50 euro cents to just go to the bathroom (this REALLY adds up!) and we were here so often that I made a deal with the Moroccan guy in charge of the bathroom.. if he let me pee for free, i would dance with him next time. hahaha. it never happened, but i got a lot of free bathrooms!

10. The Art - not just the art, mostly the inspiration. since i've gotten back, i haven't had the urge to write or sketch anything. I found this one on the steps outside of a christian church that was shut down because the neighborhood it was located in had a bigger population of muslims, so its services were no longer being attended. makes you think, right?

everyone should study abroad at least once in their life. its worth it, i promise. 

San Leandro

I've been home for a little less than a week, but it feels like a lifetime. its weird (and inconvenient) to be in a place where i can't walk or metro to everywhere i feel like going... not that i have anywhere important to go. haha.  i only have a car when my mom's not using it and i'm too broke to go out, so i'm basically just sitting around while i'm here. exciting, yes? my friends are either taking summer school, working, or start school tomorrow so i'm left with a lot of down time to reflect and such. 

today i went through my old xanga and read some of my entries. they're mostly from the summer before junior year of high school which, until this summer, was probably my favorite summer vacation of all time. back then, life still had such a freshness to it. that summer was filled with dashboard confessional blasting in cecilia's van speeding down 880 on the way to hidden hills. it was when half of us were still unlicensed and willing to walk from our houses to mcdonald's just to get soft serve ice cream. And you could sit at the tennis courts with your best girlfriends having the same 'oprah talks' again and again without ever getting tired of it. back then, summer vacation meant time to relax... now summer vacation means time to put in extra work hours and make more money.. i'm not saying i don't do exactly the same thing (with an exception of this summer), i mean, i had two jobs last summer and was more than willingly working 14 hours a day.. but i guess what i'm trying to point out is how our priorities changed without really realizing it. i mean, i can't pinpoint for you at what point it became more important to me to work 10 hour shifts than it was to be able to take time to watch the sunset or bake a cake and other things like that. 

i guess as much as i whined about the slow pace of madrid, that was one thing they did right. they took time for all the little things in life. preparing meals, cups of coffee, strolls through the neighborhood. i mean, how often do you go to a cafe in the states that serves your coffee in glass cups? and, yea, i'll admit that this blog is a big scattered, but it went a different direction then i had originally intended. i guess what it really ended up being about was taking in that breath of fresh air every once in awhile. it helps straighten out the chaos we've [over]scheduled in to our everyday lives.

Bittersweet in Madrid

I've come full circle and i'm back in Madrid. Its cooled down to a bearable 95 degrees and i'm pretty thankful that this city moves at about 2mph because if it went as fast as the rest of the world i'd probably overheat. i spend my days with my cousin wandering the city or watching the world go by at a cafe, not to mention taking care of my sister's spoiled cat. but i can't complain. the fridge is stocked at my sister's apartment and i think this is the perfect way to end 2 months in europe.

the euro is kicking my ass. the exchange rate right now is about 1.6 Euro = 1 USD.. but Madrid is an excellent place to be this broke. the other day, i bought a can of soda for 65 euro cents. in barcelona, the same can would be 1.50.. and in Amsterdam it'd be about 5 euro. no joke. madrid is also an excellent place to be the shoe fiend that i am. for less than 10 euro i have a dangerously large collection of shoes to pick out of. but at this point its about getting souvenirs for people. sorry stoners, amsterdam was expensive so all i have for you are papers for crutches to share. haha. 

but this is without a doubt a life changing summer. its amazing the things you learn about yourself once you've been taken out of context. once you've been plucked from everything you find comfort in -- home, school, family, bests -- you start to measure yourself by your own units instead of everyone else's. its a beautiful thaaang ya'll. and after all the restlessness i was feeling in la jolla at the end of last school year, its exactly what i needed. 

Wednesday Morning

my cousin, paul, is here in amsterdam for the rest of the time i'm here + 2 weeks in spain =]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] 

i can't believe there's only one week here =[ its going way too fast. i'm trying to balance having fun with still getting all my final exams and essays done. its actually working out better than expected. i'd go into details, but then they might shut down my account. hahahaha. just kidding kind of.

all i want to do is absorb every minute of my time here. i am completely in my element and i feel like i suddenly have so much clarity. its refreshing and i love it all.

but there's something i still can't shake and it bothers me because i've never been this way before.

A Monday in Amsterdam

This one is for... Cil because i forever steal the quotes she finds and i used one as my new title for this blog to sound less emo and more... me. Danikka because she reminded me i haven't been updating during my trip, and the entire reason i made a public blog (ha! cuz everything juicy is still under a private one!) was so i could tell people back home about my adventures. & Kerri because our experience last week is just starting to sink in. I can't believe we've gone from meeting on the monkey bars in first grade to traveling Spain together fourteen years later. but mostly this one is for them because they understood the unexplainable part about what this summer was going to be for us as individ

uals. it was stressful and it was scary, but tell me you don't already know this is going to be the most amazing summer of our lives <3

I'm not going to lie, it was all very overwhelming. personally, i went through weeks and weeks of anxiety over this trip during the school year, to finals, to the excitement and chaos of being home & jeffrey's surprise visit, to being bedridden the day before my trip and somehow suddenly finding myself in the middle of Spain despite it all. Once I arrived in Madrid, my sister asked me if I was excited. I told her I didn't have time to be... but now that I'm here in my cozy apartment in Amsterdam I'm glad i stuck through it because its all going too fast already!

more pictures and story telling in the next post, promise! In the mean here's a peek at where I've been. Puerta del Sol in Madrid, Carrer de Ferran in Barcelona, and the Torensluis aka the widest bridge in Amsterdam.

hasta manana.

p.s. viva espana! they won the eurocup yesterday and the futbol games have definitely been a highlight of my trip sofar. plus i think Casillas, the goalie for Spain, is really cute! ahaha

Madrid, Espana!

After a series of unfortunate events (food poisoning causing me to spend my entire last day in the states unable to get out of bed followed by flight delays that seemed to last for days), I finally arrived in Madrid on Thursday afternoon. I'm staying with my sister here for a couple days before heading up to Barcelona. My friend Kerri met me here, she had her share of travel mishaps as well. I'm surprised i know enough spanish to get around. but pleasantly surprised.

k time its 12:15 am which means its time to get ready for some mojitos and dancing!

One Large Coffee Milk Tea

I unintentionally pulled an all-nighter and thanks to one large coffee milk tea with baby boba, I am now officially on summer vacation. I'm convinced that drink must have been laced with adderall or something because I was on my A-game today while writing my USP final. I sat down at midnight and didn't get up from the couch until i finished at 5:30 am. that's twelve hours before the time its due, wtf? i can't remember the last time i focused like that either. but this caffeine is still working its magic because I can't sleep and the sun is out and the birds are chirping. 

oh, and i'm home now :] i'm fighting the urge to drive to Safeway to buy groceries and cook breakfast. weird, right? for now i'll curl up with my friend Alain de Button until I fall asleep. goodnight!

The Westside Story

I just finished watching The Westside Story and man am I satisfied! now i remember why i loved that movie so much when i was younger. A romeo & juliet love story, gangstas singing and dancing, and new york city. what more could a girl ask for? 

Not studying

This is a sketch of what will hopefully be the next addition to my wall paintings. i spent a total of about 3 minutes on it, so don't hate, just imagine it in paint. i did at the bottom of my USP notes when i was trying to do my take-home final (which i still have yet to start. haha)

This is a sketch of the person I've been lately. constantly in motion, carrying with me a collection of worries that only get tangled up in each other and slow me down. 

If there's anything i've learned in the past year, its knowing what to let go. I guess i've just forgotten that lately. i called this a self portrait, but now that i think about it, its really a not-being-myself portrait. all these thoughts that clutter my head have weighed me down to the point where it feels like i've lost my focus and i almost can't remember what i'm about anymore. i'm always lost in thought these days and writing emo blogs, and while i love being contemplative, being constantly in this state is not being me. 

 but i'm ten days away from an experience that will probably change my life, and i've waited for this for way too long to let anything slow me down. so i'm letting it all go. i'm done with trying to analyze and be practical. its my time now.

i'm blogging, which means i should be studying.

Randomness:

• where did my glasses go?
• i need to pay summer tuition because they put a hold on my account.
• i need to email my sister about spain.
• i can't believe i'm almost done with one of my papers ahead of time, but writing this statement is probably going to jinx me.
• i used to write things i needed to do on my hand, but now i use pens that don't write on skin well and my life is a mess. 
• i want a crepe from rowland heights.
• my half an hour nap today turned into a two hour one... again.

that is all. k bye.

Apathy frustrates me.

Three Weeks From Now...

I'll be in Europe for two months. 

I try, but i still can't describe this feeling. Is it excitement? Is it fear? Probably both. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a diving board. you know that tingly feeling you get in your toes when you realize how high up you are... where your stomach drops and your head feels a little bit lighter. Its kinda like that. and on this diving board you're faced with two choices: cautiously working your way down that ladder to plant your feet safely back on the ground or holding your breath, closing your eyes, and taking that dive. 

i'm taking the dive. 

i made a promise to myself when i was six years old that i was going to see the world. its the only goal i've ever set that has never been compromised. by the end of this blog i probably would have beaten this diving board metaphor to death, so forgive me ahead of time, but every step up this ladder that i've taken in the past fourteen years has been to get me to this point. so, i'm standing on this diving board and, ready or not, i refuse to climb down. i've struggled for this moment for too long to turn back now or to let anyone or anything take this away from me. i deserve this. 

but to be honest, a part of me is scared more than i've ever been before. i'm about to take a huge step. by myself, for myself. 

i know that when i resurface i probably won't be the same girl as before the dive. its bittersweet, as always.

My Heart Belongs To

My heart belongs to a place where my legs dangle carelessly above the waves crashing down on a cement wall, staring a distance i could possibly swim with enough will power. at times, i am convinced that it would have been easier to let the waves bring me home then the route i chose, but i'm home nonetheless. the bottle of rum i'm holding makes friends for me in a place where my words are useless. in between marriage proposals that my sister has to translate for me from the men who i've never met and will never see again, the warm night air blows my way and dries off my skin, moist from the humidity of the long, long day. my sister and i throw our heads back in laugher and the guitar rhythms pick up pace. their voices synchronize naturally into three part harmonies i still have yet to master despite my years of voice training; their hips are smooth and tempt me. a student from the university takes my hand and we dance, i'm able to follow his steps that seem as foreign to me as every word that came out of his mouth, but my feet understand and that's all the matters.

hamburgers

i can't sleep when i know i should and this feeling is all too familiar lately. writing used to come so naturally to me, but now i can't tell you how many nights i've turned into mornings in the seclusion of my uninspiring dorm room. i'm constantly  battling with myself just trying to find the right words but they never come out right anymore... and it leaves me with this restlessness and anxiety because i've lost the ability to express myself. hours spent in vain and all i have to show for it is an overused delete button and a bunch of ink wasted scribbling out sentences that didn't convey my thoughts. its enough to make me punch a wall or something, but i still have enough sense in me to know i'd most likely break my hand in the process. 

 i blame my honors english teacher in 11th grade for shoving hamburger-style essays down my throat. little did i know that i was practically selling my soul for structure and conformity. dramatic, i know, but there was no room in those hamburgers for discovering who i was and slowly my means of expression turned into a chore. save emotions for art class or music, they teach us (but try to take those away too). now i'm here trying to break down this divide that those damn hamburgers created between my heart and my head and just write again like i used to from that honest place inside of me uncorrupted by anyone else's expectations.